5 Types of Holiday Drivers That You Love to HATE

   Apparently, Christmas is the season of giving...giving one another the finger on the highway, that is. 
    I cringe every year as the holiday season winds up to a fever pitch. People drive as if it's their last Christmas on Earth. Truth be told, if they keep driving the way they do, it might be! You can only cut off a tractor-trailer in traffic SO many times before fate catches up with you. In their panic to get the last DVD player on the shelf at Walmart, they'll squeeze you out of your lane, cut 3 lanes of holiday traffic to zip off an exit ramp, or ride the shoulder to pass 8 stopped vehicles at a traffic light. Ahhh...the holidays...and nothing says Happy Holidays like someone laying on their horn behind you because you refuse to drive over the guy in front of you. Just a quick FYI..."overdrive" on your shifting lever isn't used for "driving over" the vehicle in front of you. Thought you should know.

   Recently, I got a little unintentional revenge for having to deal with holiday shoppers on the roads. I drive tractor-trailer, so when a good laugh comes along, I really enjoy it.
   Driving in 3 lanes of rush hour traffic, I noticed an SUV pulled over on the right shoulder up ahead. Suddenly the car ahead of me swerved left into the next lane, and directly in front of me was a bundled Christmas tree. Apparently it had fallen off the top of the SUV in transit. Well, there was no stopping at that point, so I barreled over the top of the tree, watching in my rearview mirror as the it was prematurely turned into mulch. Merry f'ing Christmas, asshole...next time you'll use something sturdier than yarn to tie your damn tree to the car.

   So anyway, I've compiled a list of the 5 types of holiday drivers that I hate to deal with. Undoubtedly, you've run across a few of these types:

   Ever try passing a car that's going 20 MPH under the speed limit with their rear window stuffed with shopping bags, only to have them swing into the passing lane ahead of you? So you try again...you move over a lane to the left, and again the lollygagger moves in front of you. At times like these, you try to recall that hook-the-bumper-and-spin-em-out move that you saw on "Cops", and you wonder if anyone is watching. When you finally get around them, you glance over at the driver...a middle-aged guy with thick glasses who's trying desperately to ignore his wife, who is apparently bitching him out in no uncertain terms. I bet he forgot to mail that stack of Christmas cards. I tend to forgive this type of holiday driver, because I know I'll be reading about him in the local police blotter before long.

   You know the ones. They zip across a few lanes and blast off the exit ramp at 85 MPH (usually on 2 wheels) because they weren't watching for their exit. Of course, cutting off a half-dozen other drivers in the process just goes with the territory. You have to wonder why they're in such a hurry...I mean, is Kohl's having a 50% off sale on wrapping paper and they're afraid all the Scooby-Doo Christmas themes will be gone? I keep waiting for one to miss the ramp and ride the beveled guard rail up, flipping the car like a Dukes of Hazzard re-run. Again, the bumper-nudge crosses my mind...just one little bump and I could witness the best bumper-car show ever. Nah. Maybe next time.

   Of course there are those who plan all their holiday shopping in ONE day. They'll hit 5 stores in 3 hours and voila....shopping's done! The only trouble is, 50,000 other people had the same brilliant idea. And of course, there's a schedule to keep...after all, if they're not at Bath & Body Works when the doors open, they might miss out on the lavendar bath spray.
   So as holiday traffic ramps up, they fall behind schedule and need to make up some time. No problem. Just cut off a few cars trying to enter the mall, zip across the parking lot at 55 MPH, and slide sideways into a handicapped parking space in front of the entrance. Mission accomplished. Gotta admire someone with that kinda tunnel vision, right? I certainly do...anyone who can piss off about forty drivers in 10 seconds has my respect. It's a talent, I tell myself.

   Yes, you.
   Ever wonder if Cadillacs are pre-set to move at only 30 MPH? I've learned to identify Cadillacs from a great distance, usually by the line of traffic behind them, and the "Ask Me About My Grandkids" bumper sticker.
   In all fairness, there are two types of Cadillac drivers. One type has the priveleged old-money mindset, and they tend to drive at breakneck speed. After all, they're filthy rich, and as such, you're obligated to get the hell out of their way, you peasant. Their flight leaves in an hour (for Rio) where they'll spend the holidays rubbing elbows with similarly wealthy dipsticks, and your Toyota Camry in front of them is just one more obstacle. So do yourself a favor and move aside....nobody needs a battery of lawyers crawling up their ass during the holidays just because you had the audacity to exercise your right-of-way at the airport entrance.
   The other type is the penny-pincher Cadillac driver. They're invariably in their twilight years, and they've saved every nickel to buy that Caddy. A lifelong dream come true for them....a car that's bigger than their mobile home. Would you drive your big investment over 30 MPH? Shit no. It's also worth noting that the signals on the penny-pincher's Caddy are reversed...a left blinker means an upcoming right hand turn, and vice versa. That is, if they ever turn them off. These Cadillacs are often seen pulling into the parking lot at Denny's, because ordering the Breakfast Skillet will save them enough to pay their car insurance next month. Their holiday shopping is limited to the dollar store, so if you plan your route accordingly, you can avoid them altogether on the roadways.

   We've all seen 'em. Usually a foreign car with a reindeer bobble-head in the rear window, complimented with snowflake stickers to properly obscure their vision of the real world. With a ski-rack. Gotta have the ski-rack, otherwise nobody would recognize them for the yuppies they are. Occupants are normally mid-twenties, decked out in holiday pull-over caps, mittens with Santa on them, and a candy cane hung from the mirror. A propensity for precariously holding a cup of hot chocolate while they drive.
   While driving behind them, you'll notice that their Volvo turns without signaling into every overpriced gift shop on a given road. Also any place selling Birkenstocks, so if you're familiar with the shoe store up ahead, you'll know when to expect them to get the hell out of your way.

Happy Holidays...hope this helps you survive on the roads until New Years!